Bang!

So, i figured id start this little thing out with a bang. In this, i hope to shed some light on what i feel may be the bestest fucking enigma you may or may not have had the pleasure of knowing (or, if your a lady, the pleasure of creating the beast-with-two-backs with) That having been said in awkward prose, i give you my tonight...

-all day, sitting around bored to M F'in tears, so bored, in fact, that i CLEANED MY ROOM. This is a big deal. trust me. So many plans are made, and then crumble, so i decide to strike it on my own, as everyone i know cant hang with the awesome party-ness of the party-meister (my new nickname...well, no one calls me it....yet) I see in the paper that one of the few places that i know and dont feel ashamed and uncool in is having a "ladies music night" which i, regrettably, interpreted as "SLUT-FEST '06!" So i pay my "donation fee" to help "abused women" from "being abused", and get a cute little handstamp and a free cd of lady music, which i can only assume is full of asinine stand-up and watered down "real music" (just kidding ladies, you know the party-meister loves ya) . I sit, and i wait, and finally a band gets on stage, and i lean forward expectantly, knowing ill be rocked very soon.

WRONG! ive been rocked harder by chairs at cracker barrel. And, as an american, i jumped to the conclusion that this whole evening would be just another crummy music fest, so i decide to make like a tree, and exit SuckFest '06.

But what to do now?

..

...

lucky for me, there happens to be a gentlemans club next door. now, im not affluent by a long shot. each month i chew my nails to the root worrying about making rent. but i always have a little bit of dosh for a skanky evening. And since i couldnt have paid the girls at SuckFest to talk to me, I opted to find a place where i could.

so there i was, getting lavished attention on by many ...interesting looking women in various states of undress. Now, im not attractive. No, no, stop trying to tell me otherwise. im losing my hair, getting fat, and probably smeared with some kind of fast food. (ladies, i am available for a fun-filled night.) But in this place, i was adonis. seriously. there were so many sleazy, rear-end-ugly men there, i might as well have been holding a sign saying "please, ask me in very veiled-terms for my money" i sat at a table in the rear trying to reconcile my feelings for so casually letting myself drag the bottom of the barrel so early in the week. I get my SIX FUCKING DOLLAR BEER, and hope to just let time pass me by, but nearly immediatly, two lovely(ish) young(ish) ladies(...ish) come over and ask if i want company. not knowing this is code for "empty your wallet, and put it in our ass-crack", i said, "no, im cool." which is about the uncoolest thing you could say to that. honestly. they wander off, and another girl comes over to ply her wares...or so i think. she asks if this is my first time in a place like this, and i of course lie, and say, no, i never do this, this is all so new and frightening. and she buys it, and sits down on my lap and tells me all the ins-and-outs of proper ettiquette. Now, of course, this is all stuff i know cause im a dirty pervert, albeit and awkward one. I never really knew how a lot of these rules actually went, i just sat on my hands hoping no one would accuse me of raping them, which mostly works. but tonight, i want to find out the real things your sposta do to make girls pretend to like you. Step 1- have money. I fail, having paid two covers on the night, and a two-drink min. doesnt come as cheap as it should. step-2 no touching. unless its on the legs, not between the legs, on the back, no kissing, and other assorted nonsense. I pass this one, cause im awfully afraid theyre gonna get me beat up by a bouncer, so i make sure to only look them in the eyes, and keep my poker face on at all times to make them think i wont kill them in the parking lot. step-3 DO NOT ASK THEM QUESTIONS ON WHY THEY DO THIS. I didnt know, i wasnt trying to psycho-analyze, i just had made a new naked friend, and i wanted to know what made them tick. Apparently, some have a bit of shame left in them, and they dont like attention brought to the fact that they show their cooters for pocket change. but i didnt know, so i asked, and was treated with stony silence, cut short by her leaving to go do the mainstage, to the tune of "my immortal" by lady and the craptones. Strike two. Finally, this other girl comes up and just sits down. no pretense, no bullshit. no hounding for my money. her feet hurt. so she sits. the first respectable thing ive seen anyone do all night. she is chatting amicably, telling me about her life, places she frequents. (she goes to the same dive bars as me) and her goals and stuff. but shes not working me for cash. I know that this is the part where you expect me to say "so i asked her out, cause i love her" but that aint it. shes just a nice person...who asked me if i would be more comfortable if she pulled her boobies out. I reply coolly "its a free country, nah?"... in my head.

I actually say "buh....yeah, s'okay...bun....yeah" but whos keeping score?

We chat about the state of things, and she and i pretend not to notice an erection thats lurking, not out of arousal, but rather out of spite, cause my penis decided with all the abuse its been through, it will make me look bad at times. Eventually, she gets up to do the stage dance, and i stand by the stage, with two dallah' in my hand, waiting to repay her friendliness. I wait til its not awkward, and quickly stuff a couple 'a Georges into her underoos, and beat a hasty retreat to the door. i avoid eye-contact with the over-friendly doorman, and im free to go home and chastise my wiener for acting a fool.

did i mention im single?