ACL #1

Ok, so my place of business is a block away from the biggest texas music festival of the year. Concert-goers poured into our restaurant all day, and i was on parking detail. Our lot filled up before two pm, so i had a long day (12 hours, 9 to 9) to sit around and do my thing. My thing, as it turns out, was to eat pot brownies (bought from my boss) and drink beer while working. it was a great, long sweaty day, and i got absolutely loaded. This was perhaps the most fucked up ive been, ever, definitely rivaling my past efforts of getting drunk at work. this was probably my finest drinking performance, period. It was awesome, i got to sit around all night while my coworkers got stiffed for tips, and drink on the jobs, making guaranteed great money. steve-1, world- many thousand. the downside was however, i got badly sunburned from 12 hours (no kidding) sitting in the sun, but only so on the back of my legs. wierd. anway, its just braggin that im telling this, my job occasionally kicks ass, so take yours and shove it. oh, and most original comment gets, personally mailed by me, a 1 gig flash drive encoded with (heres the tricky part) grey's anatomy pictures, soundtrack, and other multi-media. All made into a bracelet. Its actually kinda cool, so this is a prize you wanna win. so get creative folks. goodnight
losers
steve

party party party

so, today was my first day off my two jobs that ive had in 15 days. Ive been either working one, the other, or both for two weeks straight. its a major drag. i couldnt even sleep in past nine this morning, cause im trained to wake up once the sun comes up. Awful
but, tonight, i thought id let my freak-flag fly, i got a hot tip on two different parties happening, so i cleaned up a bit, and set myself up for a night on the town.
First party was ok, but we left quickly cause we thought we could do better.
how wrong we were.
Upon arrival at the second party, we were refused entrance, cause we didnt know the right people, we just thought we were at the wrong place, until the person who invited us showed up outside, and brought us through the front, where earlier people cat-called as we were turned away. someone even used a robot voice to refuse us, saying "does not compute, turn around"
jerks.
well, within minutes of us arriving, we're being wallflowers on the back patio, trying not to get beat up by frat guys waving their arms about drunkenly. suddenly, red and blue lights appear, and someone from inside makes everyone go inside, so as to avoid police attention.
...sigh
are we still in highschool? freaking out every time a cop rolls about simply trying to do his or her job, everyone dives under the table trying not to get arrested. simpletons. the house is on lock-down, but we walk out the front door, and have no trouble getting back home. what a waste of a saturday

wowness

ok, not much to report these days. Im working two jobs currently, at about 60 hours a week. Its tiring. But it gives me plenty of head space, which affords me opportunities to write inane cartoons, and salty jokes. If i had a scanner, id show the cartoons, but all i can give you is my joke that i made up. Its pretty funny. here goes:
Hey, did you hear the one about the nymphomaniac fortune-teller who was on her period?

...yeah, you go to her if you want your palm red


tee hee. menstruation.

the only other bit of gossip is that i made out with a coworker the other night, breaking my long-held desire not to shit where i eat. oh well.
what makes this story spectacular is the logistics of this "hook-up"
this person is 4/3 my senior (age 32)
a girl (thats not the wierd part)
and bi-sexual.
wow. it takes all types i guess. Im tired. go to sleep.

new career, new do

I've been thinking a lot lately, Ive taken a lot from the porn industry. In all my years of self-discovery, Ive only paid for adult fare maybe three times total, amounting to maybe 20 dollars in literature and film. This is against countless thousands of hours ive enjoyed the industry immensely. This to me is ungrateful, as the industry has suffered enough, and ive been wondering what i could do to give back to the source of entertainment ive taken so much from, and left so much scattered in various rooms of my house.

Well, today, i got an opportunity to do my part. And decided i maybe dont want to.

Today, i was working my job, and i had a table of a quiet asian, and a big huge fat guy. They ate real quick, paid, and left, and tipped decently. As i looked in the check book, i noticed one of them had left a business card. This isnt uncommon, people try to offer new jobs, get cheap advertising for their home businesses, or try to promote their religion. I looked at the card, and saw that they were from a talent agency, Austin Talent Scout. I was quite flattered, thinking that they were sure i would be great for a film part they had in mind. Then i turned the card over, turns out we weren't thinking about the same parts. Written in frilly cursive was the following:

"Steven,

I think i recognize you from somewhere. I scout adult film & video models. If you're interested give me a call or email,

-Kway"

...wow, i was so blown away, being scouted for porn was like a dream for me, but i kept my cool about it, showing everyone how awesome i am, getting interest from the porn industry while even keeping my pants on. I think i also laughed so hard i peed my pants. But sadly, the story doesnt end in glory for me. When i checked out the site that Kway represented, i quickly realized there sure were a lot of dudes in this kind of modeling. Crap.

There goes that dream. At least the site was hilarious. I implore you to go and check it out for yourself at

http://austintalentscout.com/

http://myspace.com/austintalentscout

but ill include some of the choicest frequently asked questions and answers

"Do I have to be naked for the preliminary shoot?
It is not required that you be nude for the preliminary shoot. However, most studios prefer to see what they are getting before they agree to sign you on. Furthermore, if a studio already knows you are comfortable being naked in front of a camera and can produce and erection, they are more likely to seriously consider you."

"But I Am Not Gay
Congratulations!
You don't have to work with other guys. It's completely up to you to set your limits. So if you are straight and don't want to work with other men, you can still get submitted for work (solo work, and guy-girl work).
However, a lot of the performers you see on gay sites aren't either. It's called "gay for pay." Guys do this simply because there is much more money to be made in gay porn than there is doing straight porn.
If you are a male doing only straight porn, you will make little-to-no money. Every guy wants to have sex with porn stars, why would they pay you for it? In fact, Solo work pays more than straight work for men."

Informative.

In other non-gay porn related news (god, i wish i didnt have to say that as often as i do) I finally got a haircut today. Id been putting it off for money reasons as well as the hope that more hair meant fewer "steve's-got-no-hair" jokes.

I went to a place that said "9.99$ haircuts always" Take it from me, when it comes to thrift, dont skimp on haircuts. The entire cut took 3 minutes, sit down til pay. The 'hair artist' bossily asked me how i wanted it, and as i was saying "well, kinda lighter, shorter on the sides, and on the top i kinda wanna---"

and thats when she cut me off midsentence and began shaving the back of my head. Waaaay too much hair fell off, and the slaughter only continued. At least it didnt last long. The terrible irony is, on a day when i get contacted to do gay porn, i get my hair cut like freddy mercury

and, yes, freddy's shirt does say "peterbilt" as in: built-by peters.

what a fruit.

steve hangs out with deaf people, lives to laugh about it

very little to report here, 'cept i spent half my night in a bar trying to communicate with my deaf dishwasher. Normally, im really sensitive about disabilities, being fraught with them as i am, but tonight, i finally succumbed to hilarity. Deaf guy, also named stevie, was trying to indicate to us at the bar how he appreciates the body-shape of another coworker. here's the interaction:
stevie: "unnnnhnhhh (indicates his genitals)
unnh (makes rough shape of the female form, with enlarged bosom and posterior)
UUHHNN! (simulates sex act on imaginary, buxom female, starts laughing much too loud, but can of course not realize this
me: yeah, me too


god, i dont know why i found this so funny. oh, thats right, i'm an awful person.

Another tale of me and the handicapped, this time mentally so:
As a school project for language arts in high school, our teacher signed us us to volunteer for the special olympics as extra credit, our group was designated to be the "motivators" for the special atheletes in the softball long throw. What this all boiled down to was we were to encourage the participants (remeber, these are retarded people and other types) to throw the ball as close as they could to us as we stood out in the field. The day started out nicely enough, the normals encouraging the retards to throw it as far as they could, with hugs aplenty as the reward. But as the day dragged on, we got more and more creative with our motivation, and at the end of the day, we all took a good hard look at ourselves, and realized we were taunting kids with cruelties such as "betcha cant hit me!", "cmon, cant you even throw a ball?" and most horrible "hey, you throw like a girl.... a retarded girl"
goodness.
thats all i can write without my soul hurting

night, tards

New C-art toon

this is my latest,

all digital and junk. Im gonna make t-shirts of this. prices to come. I think this is some of my best, really. hope everyones having a good day

-steve

Back in Black-people related stories

you all know me, i assume. You know that i like my beer cold, and my intolerence to be printed electronically.

this, however is unrelated to beer or tolerence. Here are some race-related incidents that have happened to me recently. Ill write them chronologically, for the sake of ease.



1)
BACKSTORY: The main character in this story is a guy who washes windows at my work. He only works mornings, so my dealings with him are usually very groggy, and i never seem to be able to say the right thing. He tries to fluster me with black jokes (he is black, this important(mainly to him)) He told me one of the greatest black jokes ive ever heard, which ill repeat only because we're all mature enough to handle some big issues. and its fucking hilarious.


Him: Hey, listen up, why are black basketball players so tall?
me: ......i...uh, dont think i should answer
Him: Because Their knee grows! AHAHHA
me: .......eh heh heh
Him: *glare*



If you dont get the joke at first, say the punchline out loud. to a black guy.
you'll get it. Anyway, this same guy is leaving work as im pulling up one day, with his son in his car. he rolls down the window, whispers something into his sons' ear, and his son says to me
Son: "hey, how come youre white?"
me: "well, i dont see myself as white, but rather a shade of gray, unified with the world around me, culturally, and spiritually"
That would have been nice if id said something so diplomatic and succint, but what i really said was:
me: uh.....um......well...gosh...i guess it just feels right"
WRONG! dont say that it feels right to be white. cause that makes it seem like youre not down with brown. Im met with another glare, and they drive off slowly, thinking of ways to kill my cracker ass.


2)
Next example blew my mind, and ive written about, but it makes my mind even blowner when it happened, exact same wording with a different boss, different place. I was sitting around after hours, having a drink, and drunk bosses sidle up to me, same as each time. Both of them put their arm around me (remember this is two different occurances, it just happened the same way twice) both look deep into my soul, and impart this gem of advice to me

Drunk bosses: "remember, steve, there are black people, and then theres N-words* (cleaned up for print) There is a difference."

me: "....................."
Wow, just wow, that is unbelievable, not the blatant hater-ism. that only bugs me a pinch, just the fact that there must have been a hate rally for restaurant managers in town recently, and i missed it.
...i never get to do anything fun.