get on it, meerkat.

ok, so its been a while. sorry. its hard being a bum and keeping a solid rotation of class A material to entertain you. Seriously.


OK, so whats been new....





A few shout outs to crap that rule my life.





First, if youre a hippy, you need to go here. http://www.wolfgangsvault.com/Home.aspx


This is a really great site to listen to full concert sets from your favorite 60's and 70's artists. The dead, janis, its a hippies paradise. Go find something you like, and listen to it until you realize what the hell Ripple was about. You'll thank me.





Heres something im reluctant to talk about, cause its not up to snuff quite yet. But im satisfied for what it is so far.


This is my band ive assembled so far in austin. www.myspace.com/austinband


i had nothing to do with the intro, so dont give me crap about that.


Im on guitar. so friend me, or be a dick.








Beyond that, these past however-long-its-been has been a blur to me. Im sure ive done note-worthy stuff, but i just cant remember.





but since i cant, heres something i find hilarious, that happened at work today, i show up late evening, and the owner had been drinking for many hours before i had arrived. He was sitting at a booth, and beckoned me over


"steve, cmon over here, i got something important to tell you"


I take a seat, and ask him whats up


"steve" he says, "In this world, there are Black people, and there are N*****s. Theres a difference."


*pause*








*Pause*





"ok, now get back to work"





wow, just...wow. This is the most funniest thing i couldnt ever laugh at that someone has said to me.


Unprovoked, he said the strangest, decidely most un-PC thing you could imagine to me, and then tells me i need to get back to what i was doing. Super.





That might be all, kids....except....my newest cartoon..
The caption is fixing to be:

Billy Gets Caught Monster-B aiting

and, yes, that is the best joke i could think of.

and yes, it is funny.

so screw off, ill be funny soon again

night, critics

Luv-ers;

steve

St. paddy's day

hey forks, long time
ive been all over the place lately, not really wanting to sit down and get anything done.
But in spite of all that, ive managed to do a few things.
I killed a pidgeon.
Im fairly sure i did this, i threw a lighter really hard at a roosting pidgeon trying to breed more flying vermin on my balcony. I thought i just winged him (or her, i dont know much about pidgeon birthing) but as it went to fly off, it like, flew crooked, and ran into a tree.
Before i get deluged with cruelty anti-advocates, i want it to be known these birds are filthy, defecating everywhere, making noise at all hours, and disease-ridden. ...and i have a strong hunch they broke up my parents marriage.
now, theres not body about, so its not a confirmed kill. but from now on, please refer to me as Steven O'Balpartrick.
I swear im irish.

Which doesnt bode well with my wussing out on tonights grand holiday.
see, heres the real story:
last night, i was coerced into getting an after work drink with coworkers, to practice for st paddys day. "One drink!" i said "i have to save some party for tommorow!"
Fucking guiness was on sale. Being the most Irish of my crowd, i was spotted two rounds immediately. Fuck. That meant i was on the line for buying 6 drinks when i should have gone home with just one drink-sized dent in my pocket. so, time passes, and ive seperated myself from my companions, talking sports (which i dont know anything about, proving alcohol makes you smarter) with some dude for about half an hour. checking the clock, i reform with my buddies, telling them its high time i hit the road.
"cmon, bro, we just got a new round, get a refresher, and 5 more minutes, thats all!"
ok, so i switch to lady-ade. I got a cider drink, and sang the songs that reminded me of the goodtimes, and stumbled home. Oh, no one decided to tell me, but this cider has nearly twice the alcohol that most beers have.
So, as i pour myself into my apartment, i grab a beer, and head for my room, stopping in the bathroom to pass water.
My fucking glasses fall in. Hundreds of other times in my life, ive done plenty hectic things, nothing. Glasses remained attached to my nose. But the one time that they shouldnt have split and landed in pee-water, and where do they go?
right into the drink.
Now i have a reason for having crappy vision.
Bam! it takes a tough man to laugh at himself.

Im famous! i was name-checked on the radio today. Except they didnt use my name. But i was mentioned
TO start, ive been in love with this band, Cloud cult for over a year. They rock, they roll, they can do anything. Im retarded about descriptions, but this band rocks me in a way that you cant. simple as that. Check them out. www.cloudcult.com www.myspace.com/cloudcult
and when i heard they were making a quick trip to tx/austin for Sxsw, i was thrilled. I had been trying to convince them to come to town for a while. I wasnt able to catch any of their shows earlier in the week, so i had to try to make their last show at some radio event in east austin. of course, when i show up, its in some skeezy neighborhood, at a house cleaned up to look like a studio. The first person i see i ask if this is where the show is, and it happens to be the wife of the lead singer. We chat for about half an hour, then she invites us in to the studio where theyre doing a live-web broadcast! I meet all the band, get ingratiated with the studio heads, and then the dj asks me some questions about the band. Then during the interview, they asked the band what accounted for them having fans that show up to unposted shows. when they post the link to their online concert, ill mention it. good band, nice people. go buy all their albums.

Never judge a book by its cover, thats what they always say.

But i completely wrote off a whole human being yesterday.

I was sitting in traffic, with no radio, already mad cause i have hate in my heart. or something. (ill explain that one later)

The car in front of me sped up, and as i closed the distance between us, a mauve car cuts in front of me, forcing me to slam on my brakes. i know, mauve!

it gets worse. person is on their cell phone, has a PINK support our troops ribbon-magnet, a pink FLOYD window decal, and worst off all, a counting crows bumper sticker. Now, i dont take stances against many things, but i HATE counting crows. Ive felt this way for years. The only people who like counting crows are homosexual Brynnes.

So needless to say, i fumed about this horrible person with such bad taste, and followed them to where they were going. Then i killed them with a snow shovel.

not really.

can you actually kill someone with kindness? if you squish them with a giant box of chocolates you give them. or, give them peanut m-and-m's when theyre allergic. Could work

...sorry for the crappy standup routine moment. In honor of Michael Richards beginning his tour again after the "debacle"

good for you, mike, dont let one little slip keep you from busting into doors and shouting "jerry!", and gesticulating wildly.

In a similar note, on the actual night of St. Patricks day, i was watching comic view on BET. A guilty pleasure of mine, which is only guilty, cause if i change the channel to it, it takes about 5 minutes to understand what is going on. But tonight, i was firing on all cylinders, i got every joke, from criticism on white people, to R.kelly, it was great.

However, i apparently have a lot of hate in my heart, cause hours after the show, i was walking around my apartment, repeating this one line that i found hilarious, which used a mean word. I wont put it in print, but call me anytime at all, and i will happily do my faithful impression of this routine. I do a good job.

Ok, ive gone on far long enough already. Ive got some hilariousness coming up, i swear.

in the mean time, i want you to do some reasearch for me. Find out why the i heart troops ribbon was pink.

FIrst person gets one of my early cartoons.

early on, my desire was to get printed in a local newspaper well-known for its lack of quality. This is my attempt to be crappy at drawing, while using a stupid play on words. I abandoned that dream, but now you can own an early attempt at me trying/failing.

Ive got some more in the works, they are dynamite, keep your eyes peeled

my, that was a lot of words!

-steve

the spring break update

Hey forks and knives, its been a long long time. hope you havent forgot about me.

Heres my spring break. I dont want to agonize over all that happened, cause its all a blur. of squareness.

thats right, save for some sweetness, my once-favorite holiday break turned into a turd factory.

heres a long run on sentence with some junk that happened.

Woke up early everyday for godknowswhy, couldnt fall back asleep, had to give executive orders to building super to urder-may all the pidgeons that flock to our balcony, squawking and shitting, had my car busted into, radio, stereo, stolen (and inexplicably, a harmonica placed inside, bringing the number of car-harmonicas to 2) spent some time with a cute girl, went to a carnival on mexican day, and rode some scary rides, but was mostly scared by the ferris wheel. came back to austin, and not much else.

Thats all im telling unless you ask me personally for any additional information.

Left to my own devices, im pretty helpless.
Heres the story:
Today, im feeling sorry for myself cause theres hardly any edible food in the house, and whats left is beginning to smell powerful bad. Mad hungover, I sit around all day, watching the real housewives of orange county (fantastic brain candy, by the way, i really relate to them) Finally, (at 7pm) i decide its time to start my day. I jump in the shower, have my requisite showertime cocktail (whiskey-coke today. i dont normally go straight to hard booze to start the day, i was just out of beer) and soon, i was loosening up and feeling great, turning the heat up, singing about how awesome i truly am, really getting back to me. Suddenly, im struck by the urge to lie down, and let the cleansing water wash over me.
and than its 45 minutes later. I managed to fall asleep in the shower, with a cocktail glass in my hand, pools of water on the floor, freezing cold cause i used up all the hot water. I rank pretty high on the awesome scale.

thats all
go suck off

The nature of gratitude

ok, so ive been wondering about a number of things, and how people get away with being jerks. And then it hit me...

No one has written down when to say thanks, therefor, they dont know.

Well, listen up, public. Here is the time when you should thank your lucky stars that you know me.

When it's ok to thank somebody:

-When they hold the door for you. This is a given, I could just as easily slam the door shut and break your face. Seriously, i have no problem with that. I think nose bleeds are a riot. If that happens, i'll thank YOU for being a punchline.

-When I give you my non-expired, all-day parking pass, so that you can save 5 dollars. Yeah, thats right, you shoulda said thanks, instead of looking at me like i gave you a useless scrap of paper. Given, it kinda was. But still! thank you is painless.

dick.

-When someone lets you into their lane in traffic. I get pissed when people dont wave thanks after i let them in. You think i like getting to my destination 5 seconds later? Hell no. But god might be watching, and I need all the good points i can get, cause i think i killed a guy last night. (more on that later)

-When you tell a drunk guy that he has his tennis shoes placed squarely in a fire. I'll let this one slide, cause if youre drunk enough to not realize your sneaker is um, on fire? youre probably not gonna have time for social graces.

When its not ok to thank someone:

-after they slap you, when you are delirious and frantic.

You see this one in the movies all the time, girl freaking out, leading man says "calm down" and cracks her one on the jaw. EVERYONE SAYS "thanks, i need that!'

I hope i never get to the point where i thank someone for kicking my ass. Unless my pants are on fire, and your foot is flame-retardant. And ill still be pissed at you.

-After oral sex. I know its tempting, but nothing makes a blowjob cheaper than saying "shoot, you could go pro with that" and blowjobs shouldnt be cheap. If you dont believe me, go to Vegas.

-Any time when you say instead "spank you very much" honestly. Even jim carrey grew up. You should too.

That's far from complete, but that's all that strikes me at the moment.

I almost killed a dude at a party:

Some stranger asked me to hold his feet so that he could do a keg stand, and I acquiesced, since Im not party pooper. Me, and another helped him up,. and did a manageable 16 second stand. Far from legendary, but respectable nonetheless. As we let him back down, he pumped his fist, shouted "YEAH!" and

promplty passed the FUCK out, falling backwards, narrowly missing a large fire, smashed his head on pavement, creating a noise so loud that people inside listening to loud sublime came out to see what had cause such a noise.

While there was a small group of people who had watched ER, and helped this kid, there was a much larger crowd attemption through onomatopoeia to recreate the sound his head made when it hit the ground.

Although i was quite concerned about his well-being, i managed to come up with the best sound effect.

"splud"

Thankfully, as i was writing this, i got a call from a friend of his saying he died peacefully in the night, with little pain.

Joke!

He's fine, but has a cool lump on his head, and apparently cant smell things as good as he could. Not my fault.

Shit happens when you party stupid.

at least i dont have to get that teardrop tattoo now.

Thanks, fate.;

Steve