x-mas eve

Fucking steelers. Theyre like everything ive ever loved. Such great highs, then suddenly crushing defeat and lows, and several months later, your south pole is covered in red bumps (baby, call me back, i miss your lovin'!)

Today they dropped the ball and managed to end up with one of the worst post-superbowl-victory-season records to date. And theres two more games left in the season. Fuck.
Oh, well, i still love them, even if i pass out from pain every time i pee.....what was i talking about again?

My 'game' has dropped immeasurably. I was on such a positive upswing for a while, but now im an instant candidate for the friend zone. which is fine. I probably messed up my chanced last night with a former coworker cause i showed up to a bar with green cake icing matted in my beard and sideburns. Face-sweater '06/'07 is going swimmingly, but combined with the fact that im extremely impressionable when i drink, and i enjoy cake to an almost dangerous degree, i found it most difficult to fully cleanse ones' self after a face-plant into cake. That's right, steve B always has his party hat on.

But who comes back to their hometown for christmas to sleep with people they missed the first time around?

...oh, wait, everybody? ...Darn.

Oh, well.

Yo! I got stung by a fucking bee or something.
Who does that still happen to?
My hand is all swollen and goofy looking (shut up) Its pretty rad.

thats it

Happy holidays, asshole;

STEVE

how to rock like me

ok, so finally this break has kicked off. It took a day to get into the swing, but the big adventures are beginning to happen. Still havent got all my shopping done, but I work better under pressure. Ive got an idea for just about everyone i plan on getting something for.


....I just spent an entire verse of Strawberry Fields Forever singing inches from my dog's face. Oh, and all the words were replaced with "puppy, puppy, puuuuuppy"
This is not how to rock.

This, however is;

-Drink a beer in the shower. Its a bit hedonistic, but thats the point. This one took a while to get correct. You wouldnt guess itd be so tough, but keeping hot water out of cold beer is a trick. The best way ive come up with is put your beer (your choice of brand, i recommend Corona or lone star) on top of your toilet tank, if its nearby, slightly open. wash all your tender bits, then crack that sucker open and enjoy, quickly. If this is done in the morning, you will be ready to face the day.

-this one is bit different. Its classless, and im embarrased to admit it. but not at all. I got back really early this morning hungry and desperately needing to go to the bathroom. So i fixed myself a sandwich and ate it on the toilet. This was purely a time-saving move, and not incredibly enjoyable, as it felt as though my efforts to feed myself were in vain. But id do it again.

-So far, all of these have been about me in the bathroom, so i guess, play guitar solos. a lot.
at all hours. loudly.

And that my friends, is how you rock like me.

I went to the beach yesterday, My first return to galveston since my "incident" where the pigs hassled me, and handed me a ticket, and i spent 3 months in rikers. Only one of those details is true, Ill let you guess.
But still, i was nervous just the same, returning to such a dark place, so i proceeded to get toasted on wine, and ended up in the ocean. Which is an awesome place to be when fighting a cold. I woke up in a darkened room, positive i had gone blind during the night. Great times.



Um, christmas is approaching fast, and honestly, ill get you something, if you get me something.
but only if its good. and if yours wont cost a lot. and i dont have to think too hard about what to get you.

That is all

luv,


shorty mc-B

here goes I

So, im back in sugarland, for a little more than a week. Lets get the party started. I didnt get you anything for christmas most likely. I probably wont unless you make a big stink about it. I just roll that way.

Sudoku is totally lame.

Cause math is not fun.

and it sounds dirty.


Give me something to write about, Little houston


steve

well, ok

I am having a really bad bout with insomnia currently. I havent slept since thursday, and its really starting to bug me. Cause i have a stupid song stuck in my head. The worst part is i dont know but maybe 3 lines of lyrics to it. So im stuck cycling the one (obnoxious) part i do know, whilst trying to sleep. Not working out too well.

Last night I had the day off. And it was the best day off ive ever had. I did absolutely nothing productive, added nothing to society, spent no money, and managed to get epically wasted. I started drinking about 6, polished off a bottle of wine, and kept going until about two-fifteen, when a bartender had to wrestle a drink out of my hand. not even kidding.

but it almost turned out to be a sour night
Im pretty good about drinking anything these days, i never gag, or make silly faces anymore. But deep into the night, a drinking buddy bought us all a round of jager meister. Apparently, deer's blood and licorice do not a settled stomach make. I had to sit down (no chairs in this bar, so i was on the floor) for five minutes, trying desperately to not puke in front of hundreds of people.
I figure, even if most of these people are pretty wasted, they are definitely going to remember me, im not exactly every other tom, dick or harry. I'm pretty memorable. so i cant afford to show them a side i dont wish them to remember.

Oh, yeah, so the last bar i went to, i caused a minor scene. We ended up at a bar that featured live music. I was indifferent to any sort of art, as i was looking for two things at that point; a drink in my hand, and a girl with low self-esteem. We walked upstairs, to an area where the band was being broadcast on a big projecter on the wall. Suddenly, i recognized a song. U2's Pride (in the name of love) Bad start, band. let's see what else you got. The next song? also a U2 song. Then, i realize the singer has on wrap-around sunglasses. THIS IS A U2 COVER BAND! FUCK!

I hate U2, i honestly, i have a 30 minute speech prepared on why U2 is the worst thing to happen to humanity in its' many years of existence.
From Bono's painted-on vision on why the world should give a fuck, to The Edge's very naming of himself as a precipice. Ive got so much more, but we have so little time.
I make my way downstairs, abandoning everyone i had come with, and stood in front of the band for one song, mouth agape in disbelief. Why would someone do this? Isnt U2 bad enough already?
After realizing the horror, i took the one route i had left...

I booed this band. Mind you, no one at the bar really gave a shit about this band, they were just a jukebox to them, and the audience was passive about the band being there, softly rocking them to drunken ejaculation.
But i was actively involved in their performance, as i hurled insults at there faux fuck-asses. I was politely asked to keep quiet or leave the premises. So i went back upstairs, where no one knew of my outburst. I kept drinking, and since i was in such a bad mood, quickly drank way-too-much free alcohol and spent 15 minutes trying not to puke as i sat at the top of a busy staircase, blocking pedestrian traffic and being a drunken fire-hazard. It was awesome. Really. Top 5 drinking performances i've ever given.
But i won't ever suffer a U2 cover band so lightly again.

I came up with a great band name. I was driving around, and i passed a scary club that always has a million cop cars in the parking lot.

ready?

Hispanic! at the Disco

It could be anything! sarcastic indie-band, tejano/pop-punk revival band, jam band....its really the most perfect name ever come up with.
and its all mine.

This is really bad, this whole post has taken me three days to write. How did i get so busy by doing absolutely nothing? seriously, i have about four decisions i have to make a day, no more difficult than deciding what food item to put where. Where does my time go?

I think i can wrap this up and still catch a few winks before i head back to my home town for some gutless debauchery and general mayhem (and perhaps some nerdyness of video games, if theres time) I will be home on the 20th, for a week and a half. I will see you there. bring a towel, its about to get messy.

....
gross

night an' shit;

-steve

why i am going to hell

This is the big one. I have always joked in the past about having a first class ticket to hell for all the sinning i've done. This is all gobbledy-gook, as im not really one to believe in eternal damnation. But what i just gone and did is by-and-large one of the worst things i'll do for a while.

-i was at a bar with a friend from highschool who was visiting. It was a wednesday night, a terrible night to go to the bar to talk to people, as most bars had no more than three people in them. Eager to show him a good time, we went into the first bar that had a handfull of people in there. Well, this proved retarded as well, cause neither of us is really bar material, and didnt talk to anybody. He left to go to the bathroom, and i realized that we had wondered into the worst karaoke bar. ever. The same 5 person frat-guy/girl controlled the microphone, powering through today's top hits and yesterday's greats. Using only one note and sustained shrieks. WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO *cough*

I get more and more aggravated, not only because i could show them a thing or two, but it becomes clear no one in this room is gonna let me touch their privates. except maybe the bouncer. But he was wearing a ring. on his pecker.

I am waiting for this friend to come out of the bathroom so we could leave. Thats when i see him. The popped-collar, Lacoste douche-bag.
AND HE'S WEARING SUNGLASSES INSIDE!!!!!
I wait til he passes, a bit tipsy, and stick my foot out just a bit to impede his process (my mature way of handling conflict) He however, doesnt see my foot there, and kinda catches his own foot for a second, and stumbles, but doesnt fall.
Oh, so here comes the good part.
Not 5 seconds after I punish this guy for being something i dont like, an friend of his comes and brings a dog from the back. and a small cane.
and then he gives them to the cool dude with shades. As an early christmas gift.
NOPE! I tripped a blind guy. On purpose.
Sorry, god. Sorry blind guy. But i doubt you'll see this. Maybe a friend will tell you about it.


I hope santa wasnt watching at that moment.

I love you,
always,
roughly,
til something better comes along,
superficially,

STEVE

from me to you

ok, this one is kinda gimmicky, but i dont give two halves of a rat's ass.
In the spirit of the christmas season, I want you to tell me what i should get you. Keep in mind, this is not legally-binding, and i probably wont get you anything. Once you tell me what you want (leave your name and measurements) I will tell you what you actually deserve.

I may have some really big news coming up soon. it could be a big deal, or it could just be another kid for me. Ill keep you posted.

Im going to a dance-rock show tommorow. This might be fun, but i dont really dance all that good. Oh, well, ill just down my insecurities in beer and junk food. (if i had a nickel..)

UPDATE:::
I dropped a whole lot of pot into my keyboard tonight. This might affect its resale vaule (yes, im getting a new computer, damn your persuasive, annoying ads, justin long) Whether for worse or for better, the person who buys this computer is gonna get a big surprise when they check this bad boy out. I just hope its not a cop with a drug-sniffing dog. Actually, i can imagine myself heading off to prison for porn over-consumption and possesion, screaming "dont click it, its a guy!"
Very rock-and-roll

I dont have a terrible amount more to say

Oh, yeah, so if i dont get the response i think i deserve from this, I will totally tell a gross secret about you if i suspect you read this. That is all.

Fondly yours,

Casanova Ball-smasher

The king is back

Fucking (Name withheld);
You cock-blocking son of a bitch.

Apparently, Uncle Steve-o is a bit of a hot-ticket item right now. I know that bragging about my prowess is surely gonna jinx me, but itll be a good ride while it lasts. (get it? ride??) ha.
I attend the "It" party of the year last night, and got so drunk, i had to think all day about what word i could possibly use to describe my intoxication. Some of those words are : Historically drunk, Kennedy drunk, Polluted drunk, and my favorite Fatally drunk.
I was still an absolute hoot to be around though, and was the toast of the party. In my mind. I found the exact right level of drunkeness to be alert, loose, and sexy. And, god was i sexy. I flirted with everything that had a warm hole. Which is why i have to buy the host a new thermostat. Long story.
I even managed to catch the scorn of the resident gay roomate's boyfriend, when i stole his heart away too.

I was pretty good over all, i didnt vomit on anybody, or challenge anyone to arm wrestle. I did commit some pretty glaring errors of judgement though. which i will now recount. How gauche of me.

-Early in the night, i was flirting with a roomate, and somehow managed to spill nearly half of my drink down the front of my shirt and face. So, instead of being smooth and cool, i pulled a cheesy "hey, look over there!" ruse and when she looked away, quickly wiped myself off. Smooth. so smooth.

-I Beatboxed. Yes. The oral-percussion phenomenon that ive heaped scorn upon for years. As i recall, i was talking to some people, and hearing that i play music, one of them goes, "dude, lets play sometime, im a rapper." He then asked me to drop a beat, which i did without giving it a second thought. Not the most uncool thing ive ever done, but it certainly makes the list.

-This one is kinda wierd. I remember this one clearly, but i cant rationalize why i would have done this, as i dont necessarily agree with it.
At one point during the evening, I declared, unprovoked "I fucking hate rush!" No one was talking about rush, and it was surely a terribly inappropriate thing to say. Especially since i really dont mind rush that much. Theyre kinda cool every now and then. I certainly dont agree with people who claim they're americas greatest rock trio. (for many reasons)
But I dont hate them. How very odd.

But i digress greatly.

The point of this was to boast at the aftermath of this party. Ive got untold interest in me currently. Several girl apparently are aching for some makin'. Love, that is. With me. Oh yeah.

I coulda had another notch on my bed post. But the fates and a drunk guy conspired against me (both unwittingly, i believe) I found out today that one of the girls i was talking to was down for some groovin', up until this interloper decides to ruin my chances with his presence. Now, i honestly cant be angry, he had no idea, and was not doing this maliciously. Also, i didnt know i had a chance until this morning. Plus, I was probably flaccid from the drink. But damnit, so close!
I can almost taste it.

And i swear that i didnt mean that to be gross in any way. But it made me laugh when i read it, so im keeping it. It works, i think.

In other news, I went to see a band that im not a fan of, but the members are very persistent in keeping me well-informed of their shows, and im working very hard on keeping the charade of being a devoted fan alive.
So they finally have a show when i had off from work, so i couldnt avoid it. We showed up late and missed their set (nuts!) and were treated to a neat doom-sludge band, followed by a much vaunted dance band. Which replaced my "worst band ever" frontrunner. And this was really bad. The original champion of awful music is a tie between several of my highschool "bands" me and greg combined does not make for pleasant noise, ever. But we thought we sounded good, which was important.
I digress
This bad band was nearly all drum machines, save for a bad guitar player, and a trashcan percussionist. I have a lot of words i would like to say to this trashcan player should i ever meet him on the street. I also have a balled-up fist for his nose. He flailed around, and didnt add anything to the music. And he had a stupid coat. These are all the makings of a really dumb, bad band. And thats why they suck.

Thats about all. This is a pretty big week coming up, so expect lots of tittilating details, and maybe a few salty limmericks.

Hail satan,

steve.

quest!

ok, so, i know this thing will run its course really soon, and ill totally be bored of doing this, but until then, i have an obligation to entertain...

so....lets see whats in the news.

I am a dipshit
Most of you are aware of this fact, probably much more so than me, but im coming to terms with it more and more every day.
So, i blew nearly all of my nest egg (read: booze and food money) so early on in the month on a couple trips to houston. now, im trying like hell to make my remaining 70 dollars last two weeks. Not a good place to be in.

To compound the situation, i have made a bunch of stupid sports wagers in the past week, and im definitely out at least 26 dollars. If im lucky, my beloved (albeit sucky) steelers will pull through and make playoffs, where i will be spared having to pay up another 20.
Add to that a dash of my roomate finally finishing up his studies for the semester, and forcing me to spend money on booze. goddammit all.

Oh, well. Cheap living never hurt anyone. Except homeless people.
which brings me to

point 2:
I saw something that will make me be tight-fisted (best phrase ever) with my money from here on out.
I was driving home, and i get to a light where i normally see a homeless man with a pathetic sign that says "anything will help, god bless : (
this particular night, though, i saw the same guy standing there, and as i was waiting at the light, another vagrant came up, took the sign, switched jackets with the other guy, and began begging for change.
!!!!!!!!
this is totally unethical! panhandling in shifts?? Thats a definite conflict of interests.
so no more of my money for bums.

I know most of the recent posts have been about money.
Its not an obsession, i can do ok without a whole lot of it, its just been an event of late.

Oh, so, on the weekends right around the corner from where i live, there is a cowboy-themed photo-opportunity where you can sit on a live Long Horn Cow and have youre picture taken. the best part is, the background is a giant texas flag. Its incredibly tacky. and i want it. this is the big, generic christmas gift ive been hunting for. what better gift to give than the gift of steve, with a shit-eating grin on a enormous cow. So, im gonna get this done when i have a chance, and make copies. Let me know if you want one, i probably wont be able to afford a personal gift for you.
unless its ramen noodles. and you may have to fight me for them.

Merry F-in X'mas

luv.

steeeeveeeeeee

if i had a million dollars

I got to thinking the other day, Im gonna be filthy rich at one point in my life. Granted, not for long, cause im sure ill lose it marrying a stripper wife who is addicted to pills, and steals my money and runs back to her border town.
....But what about when i havent yet lost all my fortunes?
In the spirit of of the christmas season, I now give you my

Steven Q. Ballwhapper's Rich-Ass Christmas List

-The founding members of Metallica, and The first bassist's remains.
This is so much more baller than having autographed memorabilia at the house, which rich people have. I, instead, will purchase this speed-metal band's members on retainer, which is rich people-speak for "I own dem"
They will sit poolside, tanning all day, unless I desire rock. In which case, they will be summoned to rock me. to sleep. In my big hammock, which is suspended in the air right near my...

-"Hook"-themed treehouse living quarters
anyone that has seen this robin williams masterpiece will know exactly what i mean. The Lost Boy's treehouse village, perfectly re-created for my home. Rufio will be the butler on call.

-Personal use of an irish stripper. She will be 6'9, a lumber-jack's daughter, who, when stripping, purrs "Ooooh, I'm magically delicious"

-A moped
cause they're kinda cool, i guess.

Thats all for this year, dont want to get greedy. Until next time, Hopefully i will have made my millions by then. Probably not. Wish me luck.
and if there are any rich, elderly spinsters out there reading this, I will marry for money. I think you know who you are.

Peace and Grease;

S-p-b...

empowerment

ok, so this is gonna be a bad start to a post, but its just gotta be said.
So, sitting down after a long day of work, I roll a joint. And on the radio, suddenly the bombast of "eye of the tiger" comes on. Holy fucking shit. This is the most bestest song ever, and i immediately started doing pushups on the spot. i musta done about a thousand, and then i made the best cigarette ever. Then i kicked the shit out of Carl Weathers. Twice. fuck, thats a good song.

Nothing else to note.

Vs.

Oh, man. I think i made my first enemy in austin.
Well, if you dont count all the people who loathed me, and moved here.
and i dont
so heres what happened:

I was heading to work on a MAGNIFICENT-ly cold day. Everyone was freaking out, putting chains on their tires, strapping skates to their feet, and scraping their knuckles raw picking up imaginary snowballs.
I walk to a little corner store a block away from work for some coffee, bundled up with my mittens pinned to my jacket. I pay the clerk, then move outside to try to take little sips, to no real success. Then, these two drag rats (fashionably homeless) come outside who were behind me in line. They had each bought a forty of Miller High Life. As im standing there trying to put my tastebuds out, they approach me.
"hey, man, can you help us out, man?" one of them says to me.
"change? god bless." says the other.
I say to them "...didn't you guys just buy something? you had money, you just spent it"
"Change?" says the other again.
I say "No, man, im not giving you more money, you should have thought ahead"
"fuck you" goes the first
"bye" i go.
So i walk back to work (quicker than usual) and settle into my day..
for about five minutes.
Drag rat #2 comes into the restaurant, and immediately goes into the bathroom. I quickly tell coworkers about what happened. He comes out to the front counter and asks if we have any pizza laying around.
This is when i get mad. I run to the front, scream at him "No handouts for the wicked, now leave this place, you foul creature!" as i pelt him with rocks.

Heres what i actually do:
I hide in the back, and pray they dont smell my fear, and beat me up.
Like a punk.

Winner?
me, just barely.
Cause i have a a home.
and soap.

Don't mess with me, baby!