Its finally here!

Ok, i spent the past week on my new hobby; cartooning; with little to show of it. I cant draw. For crap.
This is the premiere of my cartoon, which isnt the idea that i had initially concieved, cause that one was stupid, and hard to draw. This one was concieved, drawn, and photocopied in a very short amount of time. I guess im better at drawing high. I guess i must be able to do anything high. Nothing can hurt me!

But anyway, without further ado, is my newest contribution to the arts.
Honestly, no agenda, just comedy. Im proud as hell of it, so if you dont like it, you're probably lame. and smelly.
FYI.
here goes:

I drew that. Honestly. Finally, something im great at.

Well, nothing much else to report on, i wish i had more to say, since; if i keep honest to my promise; I've got to get help on the next post. Thats right, it will be my 50th, and as promised, i will get my roomate and accidental wing man to tell a tale so harrowing, it'll put hair on your lip. and underarms. and some other gross stuff.

I just had a life-re-evaluating moment, courtesy of my roomate. I was excitedly telling him that i had recently been honored with my own manager's code at work for deleting orders, processing over-ring, and doing fancy-pants stuff. I got to choose my code, and i had to come up with my own number that summed me up in four numerals

And my roomate guessed correctly on his first try, that my code was

6969

Am i that predictable?

Guess so, oh well.

Thanks for the mammaries;

Steve

si! christo te amo

I know god loves me. I had been having some doubts in the past, but i know hes totally into me these days.

heres why:
as i was arriving home after a stupid day, i witness a hilarious scene. Bear in mind that this is at 2 in the morning. As i am walking up the sidewalk, there is a skateboarder coming up opposite. He passes me, and five feet later, completly eats shit on the pavement. Like, out of nowhere. Ass over ankle, wipeout. Oh my lord.
I need a new pair of pants, i laughed so hard. figure it out.
I made sure he was ok and shit. then i laughed some more. Thanks, God. I needed that.
Im getting more and more nervous about my rapidly approaching 50th post. I no longer want to waste words. Although i suppose the time is nigh to get this even further out into the open.
Im giving you fair warning, though. I joke about hitting rock bottom all the time, but this is one event that i actually hope is my furthest fall from grace (?)
I wrote a really really awesome pop song. Its gonna be a crossover hit on all the charts. Its about a patient who is in a coma who is singing to the nurse who attends him, and about all the freaky things he would do to her,...if he weren't in a coma.
Its called "wet nurse" it may be the best thing i ever do.

and im even taking into account that time i did you.
BAM!
the king is back, baby;

StEvE bAlThAsEr!1

ack

being awake is for the birds. I didnt sleep but maybe three hours, and i got a full day ahead of me. sweet. on top of that, my lingering sickness if heading into the final, grueling stages today.
waaaah.
and thats all for whining.

while laying awake, i was struck by a strange question. let me know if you have ever pondered the same thing, cause i cant be the only one:

What is Hank Williams, Jr. doing right now?

for those of you who dont know, HW jr is the son of Hank Williams
(der)
and a country music "sensation" he is the one who sings the monday night football theme with a grab bag of music "stars"

and hes a suth'ren boy

This is him at his finest. Sadly, this is not an overstatement.

Im not sure what the flag is implying, but i think its a cheesy come on.

Anyway, in thinking about his whereabouts and activities, i decided hes sitting somewhere drunk on pabst, firing a pistol in a kitchen to kill a rat. Its also probably not his house.

Another location i placed him at mentally was at a bad restaurant. Probably buffet, possibly here:

and becoming livid when the can't actually serve him what the marquee suggests: "The Chicken pork salmon" He goes on a rampage, and there are no survivors.

Lastly, he is doing something domestic, like picking up his dry cleaning. Except its this beauty:

He's worn this coat for a season's worth of hard-hitting, smash-mouth football. Its about time he got it cleaned. Plus the Kansas City chiefs decal is starting to come off.

God, im gonna miss football.

I love that picture, cause its not often that Rick Nielsen of cheap trick gets to be the coolest person around. In fact, save for ?uestlove hanging out in the room, Rick is the coolest person around for about 500 yards on this occasion. Savor it.

I'm gonna go fight my cold with cheap beer and hot showers.

Keep it real?

steve

fudge!

Good day/bad day

I got girl scout cookies!
so good. only the peanut butter ones though, they are the only ones made of real girlscouts.

I just realized this will be a crappy post. oh, well. Head on!

I dont have much to say, oh! i got pepper sprayed at work today.

Backstory:
My boss likes hot sauce. terrible hot sauce. illegal hot sauce. stuff that peels paint off walls, and splits families apart. that bad. he got me on on sauce already, and i learned my lesson, and didnt take part in the carnage that he brought in today http://http://www.insanechicken.com/great_white_shark_predator_hot_sauce.html

this is what he had, amongst others. this is much more extreme than it looks, if you can believe it. I had to wash all the dishes that were used to make the food to create the abortions that boss and coworkers ate to prove how big of men they were. When washing these bowls, i sprayed concentrated habanero pepper into the air, which settled my eyes and lungs. I spent 10 minutes at least sputtering for air on the ground. awesome. sexy.
i got nothing else. my grand new art project, my single-framed cartoon is coming soon, keep looking. as soon as i figure out how to draw, and how to put pictures up effectively, youll get a taste of my new art form. i hope youre ready.

im really grasping at straws to make some more funny happen. Its not gonna happen tonight, so im throwing stuff out there. I locked my keys out of my car. thank god for my roomate being home at the time, cause i had my triple-a card, my phone, perhaps a spare key (still missing) and basic shelter all inside. the triple a guy was really good. TOO good, if you ask me. he literally took ten seconds getting into my car, to recover me keys that were dangling from the ignition. good thing my car is a piece of shit. seriously, i went to a parking lot in a hispanic shopping center, and realized my car was (not by much) the most beat-up, filthy car. sweet.
this should improve inter-race relations.


in and out.

steve

new post new post new post

hey losers. its your old pal steve. not an incredible lot to say today

but my mom totally rules.
Ill thank her again, but i gotta spread the word on how rock n roll she actually is.
remember when i made mention of really awesome lollypops i could only get from homeless people?
well, she found them. A whole case of them. Easily a hundred. Now i never have to give another homeless person the dignity of being recognized as a human being. ever.
and thats why my mom rules.

and some other junk.


I was witness to a really awesome domestic scene tonight at dinner. I was at some local greasy spoon, and as im eating, this fat woman shouts "STEVE! get back here!"
i perk up, as her husband, apparently also steve, storms past. She yells at him to pay, and he shouts back, "Im going to the front!"
she yells "you have to pay!"
he shouts "Im GOING to the front!"
she shrieks "You need to pay!"
he says "I'm going to go pay! at the FRONT!"

I love it when i get to see people fight like that.
although it was a bit scary, like looking into a window to the future.
a very fat window.

Im almost out of stuff to say. Im still sick, and still madly in love with nyquil. Knowing me, ill probably still be taking it months after im actually no longer the least bit ill.
no, thats sad.
I'll lick doorknobs in public restrooms to GET sick.
Genius.

I get more and more excited/worried about my upcoming 50th post. Its by no means a milestone, although its impressive ive stuck this out for longer than i have most relationships. and by impressive, i mean sad.
and by sad, i mean "WHY WONT YOU ANSWER MY PHONE CALL?"
To commemorate this great crowning achievement, I have commisioned my one and only roomate, the great daren carter to appear as a guest host. He will tell a story so horrifying, so tittilating, that it'll turn your hair red. Be advised. and, if you're my mom, you probably won't want to read.
Stay tuned

steve

Night
Steve

sicky icky ick

Man, oh man.
Good 'ole steve sure is acting like a big effin' lady right now.
Thats right, im doing my Aretha impression.
No, no, thats for private time. The reason im acting like a buh-gina is because im sick.
Now, think of how long you've known me. After shuddering, think of all the times ive been ill during that. LEGITIMATELY SICK. I know i skipped most of my senior year in high school and bought cds instead, but catching me full of germs was a rare occurance. ADMIT IT!
or whatever. The point is, I have a wicked immune system shaped from years over eating preservatives in the form microwave pizza et al. Probably, when i die, I'll be so pumped full of preservatives that i'll keep walking around for days, clearly dead, but still moving around, occasionally spreading DNA about.
What all this scientific mumbo-jumbo means is that i have a good health record. I rarely get sick
But that all changed. When i went to california, my host was getting a bit sick, and i had no choice but to share a bed. Flash forward to today, past my bathroom escapades (cool band name) to this evening, where i suddenly hit a wall of running nose, sore throat, nausea, dizziness, and acting like a bitch. I complained to anyone who would listen; and many who didnt; how i was sure that the big man upstairs was calling me up to heaven to play cheezy guitar solos with buddy holly.
Trying to play it cool and take it like a man, I went to a drugstore and got a few illness essentials. 20 fucking dollars worth. cheaper than a hospital, i guess. Which is where i'll be if i have the sniffles tommorow morning. I hate being sick.

Ok, im gonna change the format up a little bit from now on. It was brought to my attention that i talk alot on here about bathroom habits. It was suggested i had a fixation with feces and anuses (another good band name). So im gonna stop. cold turkey. No one needs to know what goes on behind my closed doors. Well, they can infer, but i shant say another word of it. Unless its hilarious. then all bets are off.

I have something to say. I, Steven Balstabber willingly auditioned to be in a ...sob....tribute band. I didnt want anyone to know, but it was so far down the road of acceptable that i couldnt keep it secret. I won't say who it was attributing, but if you know me well enough, you can probably guess. It was lamer than lame. Especially when they admitted their business model was to emulate the already popular austin-tribute band's success. dang. thats lamer than Final Fantasy xxx or whatever its on.
pwned.
I gave a fake number where they could reach me to at least save some face. Nice people though.
Thats it for me, though. Minutes before starting this, I took a big 'ol slug of nyquil and a few advil. See you in 48 hours.

peace;
war;
steve;

wake up!

Wow! is steve finally being productive, and waking up early to make the most of things?

nope. The reason is was awake today at 7 o clock was purely toxic. My manager is constantly bragging about how much awesome hot sauce he has that will make people cry, and he brought some in to demonstrate. After two wings, and a slice of pie (in the north-eastern fashion of the word) I was sweating, and delirious from this poison. I drank 8 glasses of water easily within 20 minutes, and popped a whole pack of rolaids right away.

(p.s, what do you call a handicapped gay man in a wheel chair?

roll-aids)


I had weathered most of the storm, but this morning, i woke up with lightening striking my intestines. At 7 o clock. I left my bathroom at 10 o clock.

So much for being productive.

Well, i still don't have any pictures yet. Im gonna keep bringing it up, cause i know its a matter of time before it gets to the person who took them.
If she can wade through the spaghetti on her floor to read this.

I'm reading a biography on Willie Nelson. Its really awesome, by the proximity of willie being the shit. However, the author, Graeme Thomson kinda isn't that good. I mean, he puts pen to paper, and there are minimal spelling errors...but the man is from england.
He uses the word colour, and other twit-ish things. I dont think willie would approve. Thankfully, hes high as a kite.

thats all for now. I'm gonna go eat easy, neutral foods for several hours, and airplane glue to try to repair my insides. Blecch.


ow;
steve

safe and sound

ok, so i made it back from california. i dont even want to calculate the miles ive had to travel so far in 2007, but my travel times already rack up to be easily in the 50 hour mark. And now, at least, i can safely say that i've been everywhere, man.
I'd have pictures up already from the trip, but someone lazy with big nipples has yet to relay them to me yet. Some of these photos are very sleazy.
The reason:
When asked by my hosts what i wanted to see and do, i replied with various tourist-y destinations, none of which i got to see.
I also desired to drink deep from a goblet of earthly californian delights (e.g. make some poor california gutter slut rethink her life)
Since neither of my hosts new any Hoe-bags who would hop on my bird, we all decided to try a dating website to find a match. This worked. Well, if i were looking for a bunch of guys to screw. which im not. I swear.
The only acceptable offer i got demanded saucy photos of me, so i took several boudoir photos of myself, shirtless, with a beer and a guitar i was faking playing. Who could resist?
The state of california, apparently.
So, to speak poetically, my worm dangled on the hook without so much as a nibble. Nuts.

I was very down about california from the get-go, and i had trouble finding anything nice to say about it. I was forced to come up with a top 5 list of things that were cool about california. here they are, slightly altered.

5. I ran into a band i have seen several times in concert. They were walking around the beach stoned. This revives my faith in rock and roll.
4. california locals are more than willing to kick my ass at basketball.
I challenged a guy on venice beach to a game of one-on-one, and i got smoked, 11-to-1. My street rules were no match for his skill. dang
3. It snowed. In california. and it snowed. Suck a dick, al gore, you're dead wrong about this global warming crap.
2. In and out burger. So fine. Nuff said.
1. This one is weak and sappy, so skip it if youre diabetic.
My friends. They mean everything (gag) to me.

I had one more, but it wasn't as strong. The homeless people weren't as aggresive there. I never once was asked directly for any money by any one. And they're much funnier there too! I saw one guy eating straight out of a trash can. Classic!

Hopefully, there will be pictures here soon, there were some good ones, as well as video of me dancing in front of the giant dinosaur from pee-wees big adventure. Its pretty good. I went there, and told them large marge sent me. They were unaffected.

There will be more later

Promisefully;
steve

road trip/laying low/ another bad joke

ok, so im on the eve of embarking on a several day road trip. In a tiny car. With a tiny man. should be big fun. I'm still deciding whether or not to bring soap and a change of clothes. It will be funnier, certainly, but i have a medical condition called; Sweaty car-ass. Im gonna bring
-toothbrush
-paste
-my big bag of coins i shall use as currency the whole way
-moisurizer (it gets lonely on the road)
-one book of hippy poetry, soiled
-one tie-dyed shirt , soiled
-one beard comb. this is very important.
-one midwestern dream of being discovered (in high school, a talent agent told me i was the next "kramer-like next door neighbor. ive already got the racism down)
-Phantom planet cd. stuck on repeat the whole drive. I refuse to listen to led zepo's 'going to california'.

so, because ill be trapped out in the nevada desert, starving of thirst as buzzards circle, i obviously wont be able to write, so entertain your self. theres plenty to do. go fly a kite. Give your grandma a hug. just dont expect nothing for a few days. Ive asked the patron saint of travelling, St. Christopher for protection on this journey. If i die during this, its his fault. Heres a mug shot of him.








and yes, he is naked. with a child on his back.
oh, yeah, if you look close, that is in fact a third leg. Oh, St. Chris!




Heres another bad joke i made up at work. This one is blue, so if youre faint of heart, id advise skipping this.

Two women are talking about their nights over brunch. One of them says
"Man, i slept funny last night
"oh?" says the other one. "Do you have a crick in your neck?"
"Nope" she replies. "I fucked a clown"

Ha.

take that, expectations. I used to write saucy limmericks for money in middle school. For real.
So, if you want me to write a joke about you, a friend, or any random topic, i will gladly. For a fee. I accept PayPal.

That's all i got. Keep me in your travel prayers. I'd hate to leave this world and have my last written word be about a clown penis. Well, I'd be happy leaving the world like that, just not for many years

Clown Balls;

steve

krunk/shake/bad joke/rap/night

howdy an' shit. I've been having a blast so far in 2007. Ive done many grand things so far, and we're only a week in. For the first thing, i finally grew a pair.

-So theres this guy who comes into my restuarant every time theres a buffet. Every time. We hold this every day for lunch, and two other days for dinner. Thats nine times. Every week. This person is why america get such a bad rap. No one knows his name, but we call him the stromboli hombre cause the kitchen referred to him that way once in spanish. It stuck.
He came in the other night ten fucking minutes before we closed, and grabbed a plate and dug right in, and sat in a section where all the chairs had been put up in anticipation of beeing closed. Soon, closing time came and passed, and he was still there, watching a sports game. Fucker. He leaves to go to the bathroom, so i throw out all his stuff, and put up the chair he was sitting in. He goes to grab another plate. I say "hey, we're closed." he says ok, and stands by a tv. I get livid. I say to him "closed means you're gone, drive safe" he stammers "uh...uh...mfff."
So I punch him in the dick.
not really, but he gets the idea, and leaves. I had a hard-on for ten minutes because of my new-found bad-assery. My new years resolution? continue being assertive.
and get an asian girl.

-Steak and shake sucks. They're so delicious. I sacrificed four hours of my day trying to digest their food this afternoon. I actually had to take a nap at work to stave off illness. and i'm sure id do it again if im ever near S&S again.

-So I made up a joke at work today. Its not perfect, but i like it a lot. Already, it has built up some acclaim, and won me a dollar in a bet that it wouldnt make someone laugh. here goes:

A guy walks into a pet store with a orange cat under his arm. After several minutes of browsing, he selects a cat-sweater and brings it to the cashier. The cashier asks"is that all for today sir?"

The man replies, "yes, put it on my tab"

It's hilarious in person. Less so in print. Next time you see me, ask to see this joke. Ill drive you to the hospital when you bust a gut.

Im a budding rap artist now. Self-appointed. Ive been mad at rap lately, its too easy to score a hit just by repeating a phrase that white people dont understand. Shaking laffy taffy, tippin on fo fo's, what does this all mean?
Dollar signs, my friend, and im gonna slaughter this cash cow.
with my new singles:

(pull on my) Juicy fruit.
Juicy fruit is when you pull your huevos out, and pretend that they are bubble gum, and offer them to a close friend to gross them out.


(lemme take a look at 'cho) Exit Hair
a song i suppose to be about a region of hair surrounding a notorious orifice. Not my idea, but im running with it. Big props to Sizzarah S.

(gonna catch a whiff of yo') Green Gas
presupposing that flatulence is visible, this is a love song about a girl with the finest flatus-coloring. Again, not my idea, but im gonna make this a hit. Timbaland is set to produce.

I realize all of these are gross rap over-generalizations. which is why they're gonna sell like hotcakes. in stores soon.

-I had a swell night. I went with roomate 1 and roomate 2 to a gentlemans club. always a good story there. I cant go into great details because of Print-obscenity laws, but ask me and ill tell you juicy secrets. and how i have a paternity suit coming up. cross your fingers for me, folks.
I met a stripper whom i love. Name: sugah (presumed spelling) I spent some quality time getting to know where she came from, and what makes her tick. Also what shape her genitals are. If sleeping with an asian doesnt happen this year, i think a suitable alternative would be having a 24-hour marriage to a stripper-wife. Thoughts?

Im gonna go shopping for artists for tattoos tommorow. Im a bit scared. I do like the idea a whole lot, but i still cant say until i get it (maybe) It will definitely be decided by the end of this week, though, if i am to get it.

That's all, forks.

Spoony Steve.

new name/ drug deals/ road trips/ tattoo

ok, so ive been thinking a lot. about stuff. You know. anyway, I think the title (to kill a meerkat) is a little dated. I want to change it to this:

Stevie does it.
input?
anybody?

I had a fun night. I worked, but since my job rules, one of my responsibilities tonight was to take my car and pick up the resident-in-house drug-dealer and bring him back to the restaurant. Oh, yeah, on the way, we stopped to do a quick drug deal. Guess what im an accessory to?
i dont know either. but we'll find out when the D.A comes knocking.
oh, and my payment for picking up this fellow?
a big bottle of whiskey. I love my job.

I think im gonna travel more miles this month than ive ever travelled before. Im going to california, by way of houston, and im thinking i might make a stop off in waco just for kicks at the end of this week. thats a lot of gas. sorry planet. Im looking forward to it, but my initial plan of making it to california solely on pocket change looks less and less feasible.
since i promised someone i had to buy a hooker in the nevada desert. just for laffs.

I also have a big plan for getting a tattoo. Now, ive promised this in the past, but ive been way too chicken to get a tattoo of a bee on my ass crack. I finally came up with something good, that is classy, and meaningful, and probably i wont regret it in two weeks time. we'll see. the time-table for this is very near though, ill keep you posted.

thats all for now.

just to give you something to look forward to, on the passing of the 50th posting on this, There will be a guest writer to write about my actual rock-bottom, lowest experience ever. this will be juicy. keep your eyes peeled.

goodnight suckas;

steve

bad joke/movie recomendations

the nfl playoffs are underway, and while i could be happier if my team was playing, all the teams i wanted to win this week did. Good start.
I got to see cowboys fans cry, the NY giants lose it in the last seconds. Beautiful.

I had a strange day at work today. I had a way-long shift, marred by the fact that i couldnt drink during it. I was running on fumes as we began to close down the restaurant. I was about to start cleaning the bathrooms, and i knocked on the womens' restroom door to make sure no one was inside. Someone responds:
"who is it?"
I, as a lame-ass, think this is a perfect set up for a knock-knock joke, so i reply
"Boo" (the full joke in a second)
....No reply. I walk away, knowing i gave some strange woman a bathroom phobia for the rest of her life.

THE JOKE:

Knock-knock
who's there?
Boo
Boo who?
Don't cry, man, its only me!

NOW IN BROKEN SPANISH:
Knock-Knock
?Quien?
Boo
Quien Boo?
No gritas necesario. Es solo mi.

I saw a movie the other day. It changed the way i looked at movies...
...really high.
It might not be as good sober, but a real trip of a movie is
"The forbidden zone"
by danny elfman(batman theme, new charlie & chocolate factory) 's brother, featuring a soundtrack by oingo boingo. with the midget from Fantasy island starring, its the best worst movie i have loved that i saw this week.
Go rent it.

That's all i got

Dont eat wooden nickels;

steve

lollipops//big plans

my ass hurts. im having a bit of trouble getting back into working shape, and thus, I have a horrible sleep cycle and am out in no condition from all the boozing i did over the holidays. as i write this, i have to gingerly position myself on my chair to avoid complications from 'swamp ass' related ass-injuries. But it could be worse. Ask jj.

I think i hit rock bottom again. There is this charity church whose proceeds go to a detox and abuse shelter. They panhandle for money on a street corner near my house. If you donate, they give you a small pamphlet and a lollipop. I was flush for cash one day, and i gave them a dollar. They gave me a lollipop. It was absolutely the most incredibly tasty piece of candy ive ever had. Golden.
Long story short, a few days later I was caught at the same light, and they were again asking for donations. I rolled down my window, handed them a buck, and asked if they had any more candy. They said no.

So i asked for my dollar back.
And went to a store to try to find this candy.
no luck.
Why am i so forsaken?!
...oh, right
If anyone of you knows where i can find Jolly rancher lollypops, Let me know, and i will do terrible things to attain them. ask anyone.

I finally made a rash decision. Im going to california. With no more than a bag of clothes, and a big bag of change to get me through the journey. Should be fun. I want the end result of this to be me stuck in an airport, unable to fly because the airlines said that i was much too smelly to be in an airplane. That would be the best. Or broke in new mexico trying to sell my organs to truckers for cash.
either way.

My ears were bleeding earlier tonight. Really. It was strange. I played some music with some drummer, and as i was leaving, i noticed my ear was wet. I think thats a bad thing. oh well.

Ill see how i feel in the morning.
if i make it


From the other Side:

Steve

BOO!

ow, my head

So new year's was a blast. the fact that it took two days to catch up to me wasn't. I spent all of yesterday recovering and slowly moving around my apartment. But it was way worth it. Cause i hit rock bottom.

I know, you're all thinking, "steve, how can you go any lower than you already have? Haven't you done it all?
Nope, not by a long chalk. (long chalk?)

Today, a homeless person commented on how smelly i was.

Damn. This happened at a DMV, where i was getting a new license so i can sell my old one to an underage buddy for cold, hard cash. Amazingly, he too, is stupid-tall, pale and ugly. I was waiting in line for way too long (cue stupid stand-up routine) and getting impatient, and sitting next to a homeless dude (clearly homeless, had a bag of possesions and everything) and, after sitting around for an hour, this transient remarked that "something smell funky" and sniffed around until he found the culprit. Me. Yes.
I normally don't smell like garbage, but i had not showered in two days, had been inundated with gross food smells at work, and to top it off, had gone to the gym that morning. End product: homeless person repellant. I should market that.


More later;

s-t-e-v-e thats what i, true-ly believe-y

so many stories to tell

dont even know where to begin with this one. x-mas/new years were pretty party-ful. My head hurt. a lot.
But good times all around.

more on this later.